SAYA TAK BERANI

As open minded as I am. I'm totally in the 'No sex before marriage' team. Not even a person as hot as Brad Pitt can tempt or seduce me to cross over. perrrgh.. Easy for me to say la kan. Since nobody in that hotness level had ever tried on me any way.. hehehe..

There were people (mostly guys who want to get into my pants la kan..), who will debate about my choice about this matter. Their argument is that I won't do it (the sex before marriage) because of the religion. And, if I'm not Muslim, I would do it. See.. how guys can manipulate your mind and make you surrender? If they can't seduce you.. they will argue with you.. huhuhu.. What I can say.. it's not easy to resist temptations, I tell you.. But, there reasons why I still survive.. SO FAR.. hehehe..

Of course, the top reason of it is religion. I've done a lot of the 'small' sins (dosa kecik) myself, which if accumulate them all, can considered as 'big'..huhuhu.. So, I definitely don't want to touch the 'big' sins category. Apart of that, I always think of consequences in any of my actions. What good things I can get out of it? Thinking about it, I say, I would probably get nothing more than the pleasure of the moment. Whereas if I join the opposite team, I would put myself in jeopardy of degrading myself.. getting myself pregnant accidentally.. and in the most unlucky situation, I may get AIDS.. plus, if anything happenned, my parents, my family would get the shame.. Even if I put the religion factor aside, thinking of all the wrong possibilities that can happen, turn me off completely. Even the thickest condom in the world can't throw that thoughts away.

That's why, I don't understand why many young girls out there would dare to put themself in jeopardy of all that consequences.. Maybe they just being a total idiot or lust get the better of them. Who knows eh?

My bigger concern now however, not about the decreasing number of virgin girls (especially amongst Muslim/Malay girls). I don't think I care enough if they are virgin or not. They big enough to think what's right and what's wrong. Doing it (the sex), itself shows that they are already an adult. Although they might not have a brain like one.. But, I am concern about the increasing number of babies being thrown away to death. Really sad to watch the news and see all the horrifying pictures in the newspaper. How can a person do such cruel thing? What's the point of going through the 9 months pregnancy period, then 'murder' it? It just didn't make sense at all. Stupid right?

I understand, in this situation, we can get scared and panic. That would be what I'll feel. However, they would have more than sufficient time to really think about what they want to do. About the baby and themself. At least 7 months to really think and make a decision. Put you baby in rubbish dump or flush it in toilet should not be the options. Don't be afraid to go to the families/ parents. If not, they are organisations that can help and assist. Berani buat berani tanggungla kan..

KARMA

What goes around, comes around eh? I don't know if I really believe in Karma. But, sometimes, fate does happen in that way. Buat baik dibalas baik..buat jahat dibalas buruk, katanya..

I feel like I've been unkind to a lot of people (guys) in the past. Maybe unconciously done. I may have break the hearts of many. Some may be forgiven and let the past be bygones. But perhaps, they are a few who had cursed me and I'm not out of it yet. Like Mahsuri with her 'padang jarak padang terkukur selama 7 keturunan'.. huhuhu.. matila if I'm cursed until 7 keturunan..

I'm always been labelled by this lot of people as sombong, jual mahal, takde parasaan etc etc. I always like to deny it, because I think I am not. But, since lots of this words had been thrown to my face, I start to doubt myself. To my defense, sometimes, I'm cold towards certain guys because I don't want to hurt their feelings or give them false hope. In some cases, I did still hurt their feelings and sort of offended them. "Ala.. poyolah imah tu. Macamla aku nak kat dia sangat" attitude.

So, I was thinking.. maybe I repelled guys so much. Now, guys are repelling me?

My Top 10 Love/Romantic Movies

This post was meant for Valentine's Day theme..obviously I'm way behind schedule..hehehe.. Apparently, I have so much time thinking of the Top 10 list of my favourite Love/Romance/Chick Flick Movies when what I should be doing is.. list out my Top 10 potential Valentine date?

10. Titanic
This film is just a must have in anyone favourite love movies-Top 10 list regardless of whether they really like this movie or not. It's a typical "antara 2 darjat" love story really..Only that, Leonardo is still cute and you can see Kate Winslet naked (you can practically see her naked in most of her films anyway but still...with that huge blue diamond necklace, it's just soo different and special.. :p) However, I love tragic. Happily ever after love story is just lame and 'yucky' at times. So, watching a sad-ending movie once in awhile can be refreshing..



9. You've Got Mail
I love Meg Ryan!! She's definitely 1 of the queen of romantic movies of all time. Sleapless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally, Addicted to Love, French Kiss.. I love them all!! It's just that I love this 1 more.. The cyber-virtual relationship thingy does it for me I guess..




8. Never Been Kissed
I read the novel first and loved it. I can relate to the story at that time with me never been kissed..waiting for the right guy..and the perfect kiss and all..hehehe.. When I got to know that a film was made based on this novel, I was so anxious to watch it. Since the movie is included in my Top 10 list, it means I love the movie too.



7. Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam
This is definitely my favourite Hindi movie. I love classic Indian settings. I like the chemistry between Salman and Aishu in the 1st part of the film.. Salman is in his goofy-foolish self who falls for a beautiful-naive Aishu. When you think that they will end up together until the end of the film, then bammm! Aishu is marrying Ajay Devgan plak. I set my mind to hate this Ajay character as the penyibuk in the story but nooo.. Sanjay Leela Bhansali chose to make his character as angelic as possible...go bring his wife Aishu all the way to Italy to unite her with her true love, katanya... but only for Aishu to really realise who her true love is at the end of the story.. I definitely had cried a river over this movie.. hehehe



6. Jerry Maguire
"You complete me"
When at almost an entire movie you think that this Jerry Maguire guy is a moron and a jerk.. he said this 3 lil words that practically change everything. Who won't fall for that huh? especially when a guy as cute and charming as Tom Cruise appear in your living room and confess that 3 magic words in front of your close friends and family?



5. He's Not That Into You
It's either Love Actually or this movie. I like this kind of movie whereas the story not just revolve around the leading man and woman. So, you would have the romantic couple, the funny ones, the break-ups ones, the sexy one.. all in a movie. The ensemble cast are great as well. The movie is about modern day relationships and how men and women often misconstrue the intentions of the opposite sex which I and a lot of people out there can relate to the story in this movie. The movie sort of self-acclaim that they are not 1 of those cliche chick flick film.. and I definitely agree.



4. A Walk to Remember
I admire any woman character who can influence a guy to be a better man..better person. It's such an accomplishment to be a reason behind any man's success or good life. Same as Never Been Kissed, I've read the novel before the movie came out. Since I loved the novel so much, and Landon Carter is just sooo sweet, this movie made it to my Top 10 list. I loved the soundtrack as well.


3. Memoirs of Geisha
You can do and be willing to do anything to be with the person you love. I can't imagine myself, falling in love with someone that obviously out of my league and do everything that I can so that I can be closer to him.. to get his attention and to be worthy of him. At times in the movie, I do feel like, "whyla this girl need to go through all those hassle just for a guy".. but I guess that's what makes it romantic. Sometimes it's not just guys who do all the efforts right?


2. Stardust
This movie story a journey of a boy (who then becomes a man) in a pursuit of a fallen star, to prove his love for a village beauty. Whose on earth would do that kann?? At first you may think it is ridiculous.. it is stupid and naive ("she just saying that to blew you off, honey.."). But, put all the magical nonsense apart.. his intentions and actions are 'meltingly' sweet.. and totally romantic.



1. Pride and Prejudice
I'm a sucker when it comes to vintage romance stuffs.. especially the British ones.. The falling in love part..the dating part.. the meet up part.. the proposal.. all look so in etique.. very gentleman-ish.. All this elements are very evident in the movie which I like. Apart from that, like other adaptation films, I like the movie because I like the story, i.e the novel and the characters.

God=Tuhan=Allah

This is my first 2010 blog entry?? After half-way of February?? huhuhu.. I actually have a lot of things that I experienced last month which I would like to share and write about.. So, the next few new entries would be dedicated to those stories.

However, I do have a blog post draft on the issue of "Allah" being used by non-Muslim... I don't know what had happenned there that the writing got stuck half-way.. My lack of knowledge makes me feel that I don't have the right to express what I feel in this matter. In 1 thought, I would think that "what's the big deal?". In my other thought, my mind telling me that "Allah is the name of God (Tuhan) which I and all Muslims worship. Does the non-Muslim worship the same God that I do? If they are not (which I believe they are not), then why use Allah?".

Whatever confusion this issue had over me, whether it's wrong or right to allow non-Muslim to use "Allah"..the only thing that I certainly know is right...with my believe as a Muslim, God=Tuhan=Allah.

My Life of 2009

Looking back at my 2009 moments..

January
My grandfather (my father side) passed away. I know that, he was never himself after my father's death. My father was his eldest son. One that he depends on much. Each time I met him. I can see that he suffers deeply and he missed his son so much that he feels like he doesn't have any purpose to live anymore. My grandmother told my mum, that yai (what we, the cucu all call him) read the very last letter that my late father wrote to him almost every night. From then, I started to realise, that it's actually harder for a parents to see their child passed away before them.

February/March
No major event that I care enough to remember.

April
I took a job at a tution centre, teaching Maths for Form3 students, teaching for the first time. I don't like teaching really. That is why I always against my mum's wishes asking me to become a lecturer. And I know for a fact that I can't teach, especially to the 'lembap' n 'manja' ones. No offence to them..But, not only that I don't have the patience. It's also quite hard for me to come to terms that things that I can understand is actually quite hard for other people to grasp. So my theory is, if you can't think like the 'lembap' ones. You won't be able to reach out to them and teach the way that they will understand. I can understand my way. But they may not rite?

Because of all that, my teaching part time career ended a few months later.. hahahaha..

May
One of my resolution this year is to be fit and have flat tummy..So, I signed up for gym membership in Fitness First. During my first few sessions, I had a few complimentary session with the trainer. Since I'm not hot enough (i.e wearing tight short pants and sexy t-shirt), no hot trainers interested to train me. I ended up with a short trainer instead. Such a blow.. But what the heck, eh..In a way, I should be relieved. At least, I can concentrate on working my own body rather than checking out the trainer's body..hahahaha..

It was really tough. In front of the trainers, he forced me to lift 5kg weight. But when I'm on my own..I cheat and lift the 2.5kg weight instead..hahaha.. Did I have the flat tummy I want and be more fit? hmm.. my answer is.. No comment. hahahah..

June
1 morning, my mum answered a call from someone we know. The conversation sounds like a very serious thing had happenned. I got a feeling that, it was not a good thing. At 1 point I hear my mom said, "Bolehla..Bawaklah dia datang sini..Biar Ecah bela"..hmmmm..

Once my mom put off the phone, I quicly asked, "What happenned?"

The next day.. a baby girl was presented to us. Her name is Nur Aishah Zulaika. It was the start for all of us to suddenly become a mum. I'm not married, and never had baby sister or brother. Thus, it's my first ever experience. My mum have not taken care any baby for 26 years. Thus, she is also sort of like a new mother as well.

Life certainly is not the same anymore...

July
Quite an eventful month. Had a few memorable activities with the RizAngels peeps. One of it was Hari Raya Photoshoot for MH Raya Bumper. (I didn't even manage to buy the magazine to frame it.. :p).

End of the month was my BIRTHDAY!!! Nothing to really be excited about. I don't celebrate it anyway. However, the highlight of the week was karaoke nite with Riz and the Angels. I was so lucky to be part of it. He sang a lot of songs that nite. Once he arrived, he conquered the mic all to himself. Since it's not always you got the opportunity to hear and watch a singer, singing in front your eyes. So, I don't mind not having the mic at all.. I got to sing "Ceritera Cinta" with him anyway..yeeepeee!!! (he sang beautifully... but I'm soo no close to Jaclyn Victor..hehehe.. Lucky sis Frizz helped me at end of the song to cover the high pitch part..)

August
My brother got engaged!!! And as you can see later.. the rest of the months of the year, were dedicated to his big day only.. huhuhu..

September/ October/ November
My life mostly evolve around work, baby Zulaika.. my brother's wedding preparation.

Not that I have a lot to prepare. really I just volunteer to do his hantaran. But, a lot of surveying work were involved. Went here and there to find good and cheap resources and trying to pick out ideas as well. The end result? Believe it or not.. I didn't even manage to take pics of my work. But I do have memoirs of it in a video. Thanks Pak Long..

Closer to the reception. My weekends, packed with house-to-house visits to my mum's closest friends. We planned to go to a lot of houses and personally invite a lot of them. But, after 1 or 2 weekends, our plan had not really go into plan. If we planned to go to 5 houses. We may end up getting 2. One thing about my mum is, (which I believe, I have this trait from her too), is not the kind of a person who like to hang out with friends, casually (she only goes out if there's an event or invitation) or go to friend's houses. Although, her friends are mostly welcoming kind of person, she just have this mindset, that her visit will disturb her friends - thinking that her friends may be busy with work, kids, husband.. whatever. So, you guys can imagine how excited her friends were, and after awhile not meeting each other, you can imagine the length of topics to share and story.

December
The Wedding... and that's ended my year.

Happy New Year peeps!!! and Welcome to 2010!!!

Expectation is arising...

Congrats to my dear bro!!! Akhirnya dia telah bertemu dengan jodohnya..

Although technically he's my younger brother, but I always treat him as if he's my elder brother too.. (not because I juz simply want to perasan muda yer.. hehehe)..He's always ahead of me in many things.. He knows how to ride bicycle before I did. He had his driving license before me. He starts earn his living (i.e working) before me. And now, he weds before me..

I have no problem being 'dilangkah-bendul' to him. Even way back during my teenager years, I kind of knew that he will wed before me. And I sort of want him to. I don't know why but I always want him to marry before me..

My only problem now is.. people is starting to put expectations on me.. muchly anticipate for another wedding invitation with my name in it. Not only that.. people is now eager to wait for who I will marry and my wedding receptions..

They said: "Wedding imah nanti mesti lagi grand kan?"
Me: *gulp*

Reject Shop

A few week's back, I was invited by IBM to attend a 3D 2N training program at Pullman Hotel, Putrajaya - It's My Business: Leading Change through T.O.P. It was a fun experience, and as per other similar training programme, days were packed with lots of activities started as early as 7am (the toughest one!!) and ended at 10pm..

1 of the activities during the program was "Reject Shop".. The game was simple.. Each of us had a cardboard stick on our back with a certain statement on it. Nobody is made aware of their own statement. We were required to play for 10 rounds. The objective is in each round, we need to form a partnership of 2 or more with each other and if combination of our statement is true, we got + points, - points if we don't. Further - points if we end up alone (i.e. fail to make any partner) in each round. The twist of this game was, we can't communicate verbally to each other.

OK.. I had no idea what was on my back and so as everybody else, except that we can look at what was on other's back. So the 1st round started. 1 of the first few person's back that I looked stated "Accept me in all rounds".. He already got a partner with him stated "Accept me if I'm older". Since that other person was also obviously older than me, I nodded eagerly towards them giving a signal that I can accept them. But then he had a look at my back and geleng his head. oooh.. potential successful partnership ruined. I was so disappointed. I said to myself, "Lucky him". I can imagine that people will be lining up to be his partner. I got closer to some people I know. 1 of them is Mira.. what she had on her back was.. "Reject me if I'm beautiful". I glanced at her face 1 time.. think..and glanced again at her face..Damnn.. she is beautiful. So, I 'honestly', rejected her. I went to another person, and what she had was "Reject me if you're taller than me". She's practically 1 of the smallest in the group. which made me automatically taller than her. So, I rejected her. Time is ticking, and I can't find any suitable partner yet. It's not that simple after all eh?.. Not to wasting any more time..I went to another person, and he had "Reject me if I'm holding a pencil". I didn't even have to think harder for this one. Immediately, I rejected him. Why? Since, we were given a pencil and a piece of paper to jot our marks in each round. So all of us, obviously was holding a piece of paper and a pencil. duh... 1st round ended not long after..I end up partner-less in the 1st round. I told myself, "No way, I will be able to win this..huhuhu" (me in my competitive mode.. wanting to win everything..hehehe).

Game continues.. I play the same way I was in the previous. Reading cardboard on people's back and make a decision whether they can be my partner or not. At the same time, others will read mine and 'signaled' their decision. After awhile, I realised something. If that person is wearing a watch, he/she will have the "Reject me if I'm wearing a watch". If that person is the tallest in the group, he/she will have the "Reject me if I'm taller than you". If that person is a happy-go-lucky type, he/she will have the "Reject me if I'm always smiling". Then, there's some people who got statement like "Reject me in ALL rounds" or "Reject me if you like me". How cruel is that? I was like.. what the F??!!.. they (I mean the facilitator people) purposely stick certain statement to a certain people, so that people will automatically/ will always be rejected.. The game started to bore me.. I neither not able to accept people nor be accepted. I played a few rounds partner-less. It's sucks to be rejected especially when you didn't know the reason why.

The facilitator actually noticed that I was 1 of some that consistently partner-less. He kept saying.
"If you're still end up with no partner, that's mean you're not playing with your head and you're not playing with your heart". I keep looking at him every time he said that. Knowing that, he'll repeat his statement to my face too. Maybe my usual 'blur' face gave him the impression that I still didn't get what he was saying. Or... just maybe, he was trying to help me to get a grasp on what I should do. Head and heart..Head..Brain...Think. OK. Got that 1.. Heart.. Heart...OK. It's related to Feelings...Feel..So, it's Think and Feel. I need to think harder and feel deeper..

After I finally switched on my bimbo brain.. I start to understand the game and start making my partnership, only after Round 5 ya people. Feels like such a fool. Halfway through, then baru tau how to play.. haiiyah.. Since I already know who has what on their back. I know who should I go to or when. And other people started to accept me as well. Started to accept me in their little partnership. It was fun again. I'm getting a few +ve marks here n there and less -ve amount than before. Maybe they too were bluurr like I was too.. hehehehe..

After finished with the 10 rounds, we gathered and had our reflection/ discussion moment. Of course, the objective is to relate the activity to the reality environment at work. Does it happen at work? what we have understand out of it? how we should address it? How that relate to personal leadership? and so on.. While we were all discussing and talking about it, deep inside I felt like as if the game had exposed me. When I failed to make a partnership with anybody in the 1st few rounds, I did took it to heart. At the end of each game, the facilitator will asked, "Who's alone?". When I hold my hand up, I did feel sad..really feel sad about it..Just coincidentally, in the real world I'm also partner-less, you see. SINGLE. No partner. Not just for a few rounds, as in this game.. but a few years!!! It hit me. I feel like I was getting a smack on my face. Ouch!! I was like.. " Not that just I'm single in real life.. I struggled to form partnership in a bloody game too???"

hahahah.. I can laugh at it now.. and think it was silly. What I felt was funny, I think.. But at that time, I can't help but wonder..maybe.. maybe not only maybe.. that's how I live my life... that's how I handled my relationship matters. That's why I'm still single. I've been playing "Reject Shop" all along. Like how I was in the 1st few rounds. As if all the guys I ever met and known have a sticker on their back. "Reject me if I'm too good looking"... "Reject me if I was your friend's ex-es"... "Reject me if your friend fancy me"... "Reject me if I'm not Muslim"... "Reject me if I'm younger than you"... "Reject me if my mom loves me"... "Reject me if I'm not funny"... "Reject me if I don't play football"... "Reject me if I can't sing"..."Reject me if I'm fairer than you".. and so on and so on.. you know? like...you have a certain criterias, some of which maybe silly and shallow even.. So, when you met anybody, know a little fact about him, then bam!!! you didn't think and feel further. Straight-away.. you gave the "no, i'm not interested-you're not what i'm looking for-you and I are not compatible" signal.

Again, what the facilitator said to all of us in the game keep repeating in my mind. I questioned myself..
I'm single because I do not think with my brain and I do not feel with my heart? hmm.. I have no such answer to that yet. hmm.. maybe I do but still in denial?? Who knows?? hahahah..I feel that, in the context of that activity, yes, having a partner is better than being alone regardless if both party met each others condition or not (i.e. you're getting better marks). However, in real life, I think, it's not necessarily better that for the sake of having a partner, you just accept whoever that came along your way. That's what I feel. But I may be wrong. This perception is what had made me where I am today, rite? As if, I'm not playing the "Reject Shop" the right way with my brain and heart and all..hehehe.... It's time for THINK and FEEL. Then..... CHANGE!!!