I Dreamed a Dream

I went to a seminar yesterday. The topics were mostly inpirational and motivational stuffs. The 'Yes-You-Can!!' type, if you know what I mean. One of the things that really get to me that day was when the speaker showed the video of Susan Boyle when she was auditioning for the Britain's Got Talent show. I watched some of her youtubes before but not this one. I really got the chill when she sang in that audition. I almost cried my heart out watching it. It was just so inspirational. It is a perfect example of 'never judge a book by its cover'. I learned that, one, you can find inspirations from unexpected source. It's not always that skinny - peferct skin - super intelligent woman can inspire you to be confident. Two, it's never too late to chase your dream. If you belive in yourself, the ability and the talent that you have, when the opportunity presented in front of you, you should grab it. Three, I should never make fun of other people's dream and goals. We can always say to people dearest to us, saying that his/her dream is ridiculous.. like "Jangan nak berangan la...", "Cermin diri tu dulu" and so on and so on. Like thinking, only people who were smart in school can be successful and millionaires. Girls who are beautiful and hot can get a rich and good looking husband. How that can be so wrong at times..

I'm a Victim?

I was actually trying to psycho-analyse myself. I don't know... living in this difficult world and era.. people are living in desperations and are willing to do everything and anything to survive. I always feel like I'm being used all the time. Sometimes, I don't mind being used because what I did was just an act of kindness or respect to that person(s). But, there definitely time when I feel very uncomfortable and doubting the motives of other people's towards me. I start question myself. Am I the victim of many manipulators in this world?

I, like most of people who does not have any formal knowledge on something, turn to Wikipedia to help me get the answers. hahaha.. Okla kan.. I can't afford psychiatrist ma...

According to Braiker as quoted in the Wikipedia, manipulators exploit the following vulnerabilities (buttons) that may exist in victims:
1. the "disease to please" - I think I have this 'disease'. At least my mum dah puas manipulated me on a lot of things since I like it so much to please her.. :p
2. addiction to earning the approval and acceptance of others - Not so much on this. I'm not a person who cares so much whether ppl 'approve' me or like me or otherwise. If they don't.. too bad la kan..
3. Emotophobia (fear of negative emotion) - Shit! This's such a big words. Some more..no Wiki page is exist to further explain this to me. hmm.. fear of negative emotion? I pass..
4. lack of assertiveness and ability to say no - yeah.. I have a little of this other disease as well. I'm a 'YES' woman. Anything can one. People ask this and that.. I gerenti can do one.. But only to certain things la kan.. Good manipulators will know my weak spot and I will not be able to say 'No'.. huhuhu.. this one is scaryla..
5. blurry sense of identity (with soft personal boundaries) - I laugh of to this one coz a lot of people said that I'm blur.. hahaha.. not sure if my blur is related to this blurry sense...whatever.
6. low self-reliance - hmm.. I'm quite independent really. I don't think I rely on other people so much.
7. external locus of control - external 'locus' means that the person believe that their environment, some higher power, or other people control their decisions and their life. This is quite tricky. . I'm thinking harder about this 1. I feel like what I choose to do in life basically are what I want. But, if what I want is actually already been controlled by other people, let say my parents, then I can't really 100% believe that I control my own decisions and life?

Am I the favourite victims of the manipulators out there? I don't know.. What do u think?

5 Months Recap

Wow!!! It's been awhile.. (I'm not too sure if 5 months can consider as awhile though).. So much stuffs that I had missed to share in here.. one probably my trip to KK.. had so much fun.. Ate a lot!!!! Got to see the magnificent Mount Kinabalu.. Once there, I feel like, I one day, want to climb it.. Need to get my stamina in place first.. huhuhu.. and partner(s) to climb with too..

Some of you may already know about this.. that my mum moved out from our house in Wangsa Maju to live with Opah at Bkt Sentosa in July.. live in separation with Zulaika was really tough.. I almost broke to tears everytime saying goodbye to her on Sunday.. So sad to see her crying and wanting to follow me back to KL.. Not only that, I also thought that life would be super-jolly not living under the same roof as mum, but it was not so much the case.. I was too complacent with mum around in the house doing all the dirty laundry and housekeeping and cooking etc etc.. To get myself to do-everything-yourself routines were super tough.. I was so kind to give mum my car.. well, for groceries shopping and stuffs.. Thus, I was relying on public transport to go to work and anywhere!!! what i can say is.. KL public transportation system is SUX!!!! Big time! Particularly the bus and komuter.. I just can't remember how many hours I had wasted on just waiting.. well..

2 weeks before Hari Raya, I decided to stay at Bkt Sentosa to support my mum caring for Opah - with Opah was not at her usual strength, and Zulaika with her 'ragam', an additional little cousin who my mum 'accidentally' baby-sit.. plus it was still Ramadhan month and most of the aunties will only come near to Hari Raya.. so, my mum was really in need for an extra hands.. So much chaos.. Lots of family drama.. I can't believe that the few weeks I stayed there were the last few weeks of Opah as well.. Yes, she's old. But she's healthy. I did not expect that her time has come.. Although I did had my share of tension-breakdown staying with her, I felt so blessed that I had the opportunity to care for her during those last moments.. Experience that I will cherish forever..

Now, life is back to normal.. Everybody are now back in Wangsa Maju and that's why, I can have the time to actually do this.. hehehe..

For Sale...

We are putting the below dining table (6 seats) for sale. If you know any antique furniture lover who might be interested, left me a message, kay?

Price: RM500 nego. Shipping Method: Self-Pick. Condition: Good. Made: Kayu Jati. P.O.B: Kalimantan, Indonesia

Train Story

Since it's a wedding season and everybody from my age and younger are getting married, the subject of my marital status, popped up as the main topic of discussion again. Just when I think I'm off the hook, the wedding season is coming..siiiiiiigh.

My mum thinks I missed my train already. And I can't blame anyone but myself that I decided not to take the earlier train(s), given the fact that she's aware of a number of trains that had passed by. She knows that some had made the stop. She also knows that, not only I refused to get on those train(s), I would make myself as far as possible from any train station if I know the fact that the train(s) had made and will make the stop for me. Made myself unavailable..sort of. hahahah..

What can I do... At that time, the ones that stopped were LRT-type train, i.e. guys with 'ready to get married now' status But, I prefer, KTM Senandung Malam train instead, i.e. guys 'not ready to get married yet' status. So, I can't really blame myself of not ready to take the LRT train. They're just too fast for me that they scared the hell out of me. But now, it's a different story la kan..hehehe.. I would be crazy to still prefer KTM Senandung Malam.. hahahah..

p/s: It took me 8hrs to get to JB by train!!! Mmg giler!!! Tak taula bila Malaysia nak capai tahap ader keretapi laju ke negeri2 di Malaysia.. huhuhu

SAYA TAK BERANI

As open minded as I am. I'm totally in the 'No sex before marriage' team. Not even a person as hot as Brad Pitt can tempt or seduce me to cross over. perrrgh.. Easy for me to say la kan. Since nobody in that hotness level had ever tried on me any way.. hehehe..

There were people (mostly guys who want to get into my pants la kan..), who will debate about my choice about this matter. Their argument is that I won't do it (the sex before marriage) because of the religion. And, if I'm not Muslim, I would do it. See.. how guys can manipulate your mind and make you surrender? If they can't seduce you.. they will argue with you.. huhuhu.. What I can say.. it's not easy to resist temptations, I tell you.. But, there reasons why I still survive.. SO FAR.. hehehe..

Of course, the top reason of it is religion. I've done a lot of the 'small' sins (dosa kecik) myself, which if accumulate them all, can considered as 'big'..huhuhu.. So, I definitely don't want to touch the 'big' sins category. Apart of that, I always think of consequences in any of my actions. What good things I can get out of it? Thinking about it, I say, I would probably get nothing more than the pleasure of the moment. Whereas if I join the opposite team, I would put myself in jeopardy of degrading myself.. getting myself pregnant accidentally.. and in the most unlucky situation, I may get AIDS.. plus, if anything happenned, my parents, my family would get the shame.. Even if I put the religion factor aside, thinking of all the wrong possibilities that can happen, turn me off completely. Even the thickest condom in the world can't throw that thoughts away.

That's why, I don't understand why many young girls out there would dare to put themself in jeopardy of all that consequences.. Maybe they just being a total idiot or lust get the better of them. Who knows eh?

My bigger concern now however, not about the decreasing number of virgin girls (especially amongst Muslim/Malay girls). I don't think I care enough if they are virgin or not. They big enough to think what's right and what's wrong. Doing it (the sex), itself shows that they are already an adult. Although they might not have a brain like one.. But, I am concern about the increasing number of babies being thrown away to death. Really sad to watch the news and see all the horrifying pictures in the newspaper. How can a person do such cruel thing? What's the point of going through the 9 months pregnancy period, then 'murder' it? It just didn't make sense at all. Stupid right?

I understand, in this situation, we can get scared and panic. That would be what I'll feel. However, they would have more than sufficient time to really think about what they want to do. About the baby and themself. At least 7 months to really think and make a decision. Put you baby in rubbish dump or flush it in toilet should not be the options. Don't be afraid to go to the families/ parents. If not, they are organisations that can help and assist. Berani buat berani tanggungla kan..

KARMA

What goes around, comes around eh? I don't know if I really believe in Karma. But, sometimes, fate does happen in that way. Buat baik dibalas baik..buat jahat dibalas buruk, katanya..

I feel like I've been unkind to a lot of people (guys) in the past. Maybe unconciously done. I may have break the hearts of many. Some may be forgiven and let the past be bygones. But perhaps, they are a few who had cursed me and I'm not out of it yet. Like Mahsuri with her 'padang jarak padang terkukur selama 7 keturunan'.. huhuhu.. matila if I'm cursed until 7 keturunan..

I'm always been labelled by this lot of people as sombong, jual mahal, takde parasaan etc etc. I always like to deny it, because I think I am not. But, since lots of this words had been thrown to my face, I start to doubt myself. To my defense, sometimes, I'm cold towards certain guys because I don't want to hurt their feelings or give them false hope. In some cases, I did still hurt their feelings and sort of offended them. "Ala.. poyolah imah tu. Macamla aku nak kat dia sangat" attitude.

So, I was thinking.. maybe I repelled guys so much. Now, guys are repelling me?