Sunday, November 28, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
I was actually trying to psycho-analyse myself. I don't know... living in this difficult world and era.. people are living in desperations and are willing to do everything and anything to survive. I always feel like I'm being used all the time. Sometimes, I don't mind being used because what I did was just an act of kindness or respect to that person(s). But, there definitely time when I feel very uncomfortable and doubting the motives of other people's towards me. I start question myself. Am I the victim of many manipulators in this world?
I, like most of people who does not have any formal knowledge on something, turn to Wikipedia to help me get the answers. hahaha.. Okla kan.. I can't afford psychiatrist ma...
According to Braiker as quoted in the Wikipedia, manipulators exploit the following vulnerabilities (buttons) that may exist in victims:
1. the "disease to please" - I think I have this 'disease'. At least my mum dah puas manipulated me on a lot of things since I like it so much to please her.. :p
2. addiction to earning the approval and acceptance of others - Not so much on this. I'm not a person who cares so much whether ppl 'approve' me or like me or otherwise. If they don't.. too bad la kan..
3. Emotophobia (fear of negative emotion) - Shit! This's such a big words. Some more..no Wiki page is exist to further explain this to me. hmm.. fear of negative emotion? I pass..
4. lack of assertiveness and ability to say no - yeah.. I have a little of this other disease as well. I'm a 'YES' woman. Anything can one. People ask this and that.. I gerenti can do one.. But only to certain things la kan.. Good manipulators will know my weak spot and I will not be able to say 'No'.. huhuhu.. this one is scaryla..
5. blurry sense of identity (with soft personal boundaries) - I laugh of to this one coz a lot of people said that I'm blur.. hahaha.. not sure if my blur is related to this blurry sense...whatever.
6. low self-reliance - hmm.. I'm quite independent really. I don't think I rely on other people so much.
7. external locus of control - external 'locus' means that the person believe that their environment, some higher power, or other people control their decisions and their life. This is quite tricky. . I'm thinking harder about this 1. I feel like what I choose to do in life basically are what I want. But, if what I want is actually already been controlled by other people, let say my parents, then I can't really 100% believe that I control my own decisions and life?
Am I the favourite victims of the manipulators out there? I don't know.. What do u think?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Some of you may already know about this.. that my mum moved out from our house in Wangsa Maju to live with Opah at Bkt Sentosa in July.. live in separation with Zulaika was really tough.. I almost broke to tears everytime saying goodbye to her on Sunday.. So sad to see her crying and wanting to follow me back to KL.. Not only that, I also thought that life would be super-jolly not living under the same roof as mum, but it was not so much the case.. I was too complacent with mum around in the house doing all the dirty laundry and housekeeping and cooking etc etc.. To get myself to do-everything-yourself routines were super tough.. I was so kind to give mum my car.. well, for groceries shopping and stuffs.. Thus, I was relying on public transport to go to work and anywhere!!! what i can say is.. KL public transportation system is SUX!!!! Big time! Particularly the bus and komuter.. I just can't remember how many hours I had wasted on just waiting.. well..
2 weeks before Hari Raya, I decided to stay at Bkt Sentosa to support my mum caring for Opah - with Opah was not at her usual strength, and Zulaika with her 'ragam', an additional little cousin who my mum 'accidentally' baby-sit.. plus it was still Ramadhan month and most of the aunties will only come near to Hari Raya.. so, my mum was really in need for an extra hands.. So much chaos.. Lots of family drama.. I can't believe that the few weeks I stayed there were the last few weeks of Opah as well.. Yes, she's old. But she's healthy. I did not expect that her time has come.. Although I did had my share of tension-breakdown staying with her, I felt so blessed that I had the opportunity to care for her during those last moments.. Experience that I will cherish forever..
Now, life is back to normal.. Everybody are now back in Wangsa Maju and that's why, I can have the time to actually do this.. hehehe..